Q & A with Peyton Manning

The Looper got an exclusive sit down interview with Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, this week’s Most $$$ player of the week –– Manning threw 2 touchdowns and 6 interceptions in Sunday’s 23-21 loss to the San Diego Chargers, the Colts’ second straight loss.

The Looper: Tell us a little about the game, Peyton. You threw an impressive 6 interceptions. What was going through your mind?

Peyton Manning: Well, guys, by the time I’d thrown 4 in the first half, I kinda thought I’d try and match my boy with the star on his head, Romo. And you know what? I did it! Tony’s a great guy, we go way back. Neither of us can stand that pretty boy who dates Gisele.

TL: Speaking of Brady, what do you think about the chances of him breaking your single season TD record?

PM: I’m gunna go out on a limb here and say he’s got a great chance of doing it. But pretty boy can’t throw a pick like your boy Peyton, can he? So, if Captain America wants to do something substantial, instead of breaking my record and going undefeated this season, why doesn’t he try throwing into double coverage more often? I mean the guy is good, but last time I checked, I threw more interceptions last game than Tommy Boy has all season. Does Peyton Manning make great commercials? Next question.

TL: Right. So, then, how does completing 6 passes to guys on the other team help you win a football game? Isn’t that going against the quarterback mantra a little bit?

PM: I’m not so sure. I’m out there to pass the football and win games. I passed the football a lot and almost won the game. We allowed two kick returns for touchdowns –– was that my fault? I passed the football, spread it around pretty well, and we almost won. Blame Vinny for missing the kick, not me for passing the ball ––

TL: –– But … you spread it around to the other team. How does that make sense?

PM: So I fell down, metaphorically speaking. I rubbed some dirt on it. I’m here, I’m standing. What more do you want? They’re not saying “Booooo” they’re saying “Moooooovers.” Don’t you watch any of my commercials? I’m hilarious. Please.

TL: Hm. OK. You’ve done some good ones, but you’re changing the subject.

PM: Why don’t you try playing without Marvin or Dallas, you big jerk!

TL: I actually don’t play professional football, Mr. Manning. I’m just reporting. Staying on topic, though, how did playing without those two guys affect you? Were you worried about finding other receivers at any point?

PM: Well I found Wayne-O a bunch, and, like I said, I spread it around. Really though? Marvin is short so even he’s hard to find some times. I had 34 completions to my guys. How many did Tommy Boy have this week? None. So, ha! I did just fine thank you. Where are you going with this, anyway?

TL: Where do you think it’s going?

PM: Can we talk about my commercials some more?

TL: No. What we’re getting at is you threw SIX picks this weekend. You completed as many passes to Anthony Cromartie as you did to Joseph Addai. What is going on with you? Are you still rattled from the game against the Patriots?

PM: You mean the Cheatriots? Why would I be rattled? The Cheatriots are what we thought they were. They’re what we thought they were. We played them in preseason. I mean, who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it’s bullshit? Bullshit! We played them in preseason, everybody played three quarters… the Cheatriots are who we thought they were! That’s why we took the damn field! Now, *hits microphone* if you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But, they are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!

TL: *Picks up microphone*Actually, Peyton, you didn’t play them in preseason. And it sounds an awful lot like Dennis Green’s meltdown after losing to the Bears. This is definitely one of the weirder interviews I’ve ever conducted. One more question if you don’t mind?

PM: Sure, go ahead. But first, Peyton Manning would like to thank everybody at Sprint, Sony, MasterCard, Gatorade, DirecTV, H.H. Gregg, and the American Red Cross.

TL: OK. Since we’re talking in the third person, The Looper would like to know where Peyton Manning sees Peyton Manning and Co. being at the end of the season.

PM: Well my agent said there’s an endorsement deal pending with Taco Bell, so I’ll probably take Marvin and Dallas with my corporate card. But aside from burritos and chimihangas, I’d have to say we’ll have home field advantage for the AFC playoffs. Thanks. [Gets up to exit]

TL: You do know they Patriots have to lose first …

PM: Yeah, I’ll be surprised if they can lock up the Wild Card. We got this thing. Like I said before, they are who we thought they were.

[Editor’s Note: Nick Licare contributed to this interview from his red chair in the office at The Looper.]

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