The top 10 reasons why the Boston Red Sox should not trade Jacoby Ellsbury:
1. If he hadn’t stolen second base in Game 2 of the World Series, Royce Clayton and the rest of America might still be hungry.
2. His worth to Red Sox Nation is far more valuable than what the Sox could get in return — even if it is ace Johan Santana. Ellsbury is credited for invigorating a seemingly-dead Boston team upon lineup insertion for Game 6 of the ALCS, batting .343 in that series and .398 during the World Series. Remember that?
3. His mother would have to unweave her current carpet adorning the Boston ‘B’ and embark on a month-long carpet weaving marathon, only to find that a carpet with the letter ‘T’ inside of the letter ‘C’ looks really, really stupid.
4. There is a pretty good chance that he could score from first on a sacrifice fly. Giving that to any team would be dumber than 2+2=5.
5. Dealing the young phenom would continue to establish the Red Sox as an organization that has no problems with getting rid of their prospects. Bad Theo.
6. Boston’s female and/or gay male fanbase would diminish rapidly, while Minnesota’s grew at an unconceivable rate.
7. A trade would only spell legal trouble for the Sox as a result of their forceful removal of a Native American.
8. Fans who bought his jersey would immediately be entered into the “I bought this guy’s jersey and he got traded” hall of fame. As a sports fan, sometimes there is nothing worse — except for seeing that jersey at Marshalls for $12.99.
9. The Red Sox don’t have a better all-around centerfielder. Sorry, Coco.
10. MarshallP6392 (7:53:14 PM): the angry indian god of baseball will smite us.